Uncertainty

It’s incredibly fitting that this post is coming almost exactly two years after the last time I felt this way. I haven’t explicitly been open with you all about this relationship. If anything, I’ve only posted a few cryptic things on Facebook and photos on Instagram. But, essentially, I’ve been seeing someone, the first person since Fabrizio that I’ve felt so connected to and willing to talk about the future.

I actually thing it’s inaccurate to say that what I had with Fabrizio is anything close to how I feel about Luca. With both of them, I met them while I was drunk (classy), and then almost immediately after, all I wanted was to spend all my time with them just kissing and talking. But with Fabri, it took time for me to be comfortable with opening up about how I felt. With Luca, it was almost instantaneous, even if I thought he was going to be a complete tool while we were texting before our first date. It was that date, though, that ruined me.

I have never been so comfortable with someone. Ever. Even with Fabrizio, I don’t remember it being that magical and easy to just talk. In the two years since Fabrizio, I have learned a lot about myself and how I fall for people, and even though there are a lot of similarities with how I feel and how our relationship works (or won’t work), things with Luca feel different.

I’ve dated guys, either for days, hours, or months. Some were flings that ended as quickly as they started. Others were relationships that eventually turned out to be better as friendships. But none of them made me feel this way. Two weeks in and I don’t want to let him go. The others were easy to let go, even if it wasn’t my choice, mostly because I think I always knew there was something wrong, off. The only thing that doesn’t work for us is the distance that we’re going to have to deal with.

Of course I’m not okay with it. Of course I’m scared. Of course I’m going to cry about it, because I don’t want to lose someone that makes me feel so amazing just because, right now, our jobs and lives can’t keep us together the way that I want.

Basically, I don’t know what to do. No matter what, we’re going to leave each other for a while, because he works and travels. I’m American and going back to school.

So, I really don’t know what the plan is. Either we do what Fabrizio thought best and just end things now or try to find a way to maintain whatever this is. But one thing that I do know is, it’s definitely going to hurt, because it already does.

With Wanderlust,

Mikaila

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