After rereading my last post, I realized that it’s been a long time since I last wrote and that a lot more has changed when it comes to my relationships with people and this world that I have entered into. I honestly am not sure where I should start other than the fact that I feel weird. Why? It’s a combination of things, but the most prominent one is the fact that I’ve graduated and feel no different.
I’m probably not supposed to feel different. All that happened is that I finally got a surprisingly tiny and insignificant piece of paper that I paid a lot of money, hours, and tears for. You’d think that I would feel older, more wise, but I just keep thinking about the fact that something that has defined who I was for seventeen years is over. Before when someone asked me what I did, I could tell them that I was a student. What do I say now? Just trying to survive?
In addition to that, I’m leaving America again. That’s no shocker, but this time, everything that defined me the last two times has changed once again. I’m full of change, apparently. This time, I’m not some study abroad student who decided to do an internship, someone who can come and go as she pleases because it really doesn’t affect anything. No, now I’m an employee who’s looking to further her career, aka, start one. I’m not sure how to navigate that realm yet. I’ve been talking about being ready for it for over a year, but I’m definitely scared.
I’m scared I won’t be good at anything. I’m scared I’ll hate it. I’m scared I’ll be hated. It’s all irrational, yet I still feel it. It’s my home on some level, and who wants their relationship with home to become a bad one?
And it might be a bad one, because since my last post a huge part of me has realized that I might want something different, someone different. As who I’m becoming becomes clearer, so does what I want. Everyday I realize that, yes, I would like a relationship, but I don’t just want any guy. I want the perfect complement to my emotional needs, intellect, looks, drive, etc. But I’m young, so I’m willing to wait. Maybe not long, but I can wait. I still have some growing I could do, too.
Concerning growing, I know that it will happen his year. It always does. Yet, I know that I’ll be forced to grow since part of my year working abroad in Italy involves a huge city and culture change. I’ve been spoiled with the warm, loving South in Sorrento. Sorrento is somewhere that I know I can walk around and bump into someone that I can talk to, have a friendship with, live around.
However, in October I’ll move to Lombardia up North. I’ll be in Magenta, just outside of Milan, and I’m terrified that my personality won’t mesh well with it. The last time I was up North, especially in Milan, I didn’t feel welcome and comfortable. I felt like exactly what I’ve never wanted to feel like in Italy, an outsider. And that’s probably just how it is until people get to know you, but I’m not sure I can handle that. I love bumping into someone one moment and then being fast friends the next. If that won’t happen, who’s to say what life will be like. Those eight months will teach me a lot about what I can do and handle. Only time will expose what the actual lessons will be.
No matter what, though, changes are bounding in.