Delusions of Happiness

I’m probably riding on an incredibly sad wave and will regret what I say in a few hours, but I need to put my emotions into words. My biggest advice to anyone about going abroad right now is “Don’t fall in love.” If you don’t have any solid plans to make things work, don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. The second that thought even comes into your mind, run. It’ll hurt less. Because even if your expiration date is four months away, you’ll kill yourself everyday over it.

I wish he had cried. I think I did every time I looked at him. He was so valiant, being able to rationally decide that it’s smarter to stop our feelings from progressing further. I must be an open book… My feelings are always too obvious. But it is smarter, especially if he doesn’t even want to try to think about making it work long distance.

This is my luck in love. When the situation is a healthy one, I don’t feel anything. But when the situation is bad, I find myself living in a pool of tears. The first guy I fell in love with couldn’t love me back because he was broken and in love with someone else. I ruined two-plus years of my life loving him (if it was really love, ultimately). Now, before I even fell (and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t see the signs of a possibility of it happening).. Now I find out he’s not emotionally prepared for that situation. I’ve been broken before, and I know that I can fix myself (even if it may take a while). This talk wasn’t for me. It was for him.

What hurts the most is that he’s right about it needing to end. He lives on a different continent. 5152 miles away. A 2000+ roundtrip plane ticket. And I have an entire year of school left and a life I have to go back and live. What was I even thinking? I must have hit my goddamn head, deluding myself that something this perfect would even work for someone like me. This stuff must happen all the time. I was dumb to think that things would work out for me.

I’m going to feel pretty sad for a while. I might not have one big hurt in August, but I will be hurting on the inside. Like a tiny knife slowly cutting out a part of my heart that only has until August to love. I wish he had stabbed me tonight.

Expiration dates suck.

With Wanderlust,
Mikaila

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